Look at who you've loved,
And who you were to love them.
Look at who you've lost,
And who you grew into in order to let go.
Are you still sane?
Probably not...

if you are, it wasn't love.

the cringe factor

I still cringe everytime I hear my mother pronounce my name "REVVEEECKAH!!"
I specifically named my daughter a name that cannot be translated to spanish because my mother used to call out my name in spanish when I was a kid and it would make me so uncomfortable.
And now, I must admit that when I'm calling my daughter to do her homework and what not I say "VICKTORRRRRIA!!!" (rolling that "ERE"). That's her middle name and I sure do use it. She runs up to me smiling most of the time, and I know I'm doing my job. I'm raising my daughter to not be ashamed of the constant chance in our home that a R can be rolled here and there.

I still cringe everytime a statement in mid conversation starts with, "Your Dad...."
or I'm in a very rare occurance speaking of the man and I say, "My Dad..."
I think of all my insecurites because of that man. I can instantly feel my eardrum bouncing around in my head at the sound of his drunken insecurities shouting over our whole house. The screaming would grab hold of any comfort we may have felt in that home and squeezed out my childhood one small hesitant drop at a time. I cringe mostly at the memory of being 9 years old and falling asleep at night peacefully being kissed by my mother only to wake up in the middle of the night...to his shouting. No one should ever live like that. I cringe because there are people who do...still do.

I still cringe everytime I hear someone announce "BEXI BADFISH"
over a loud mic...at a rink in San Antonio. It never felt right...I don't play for the attention. I play to skate. I play because I enjoy the sport. I play because it is full contact and I can do it on skates. I play because when I was a kid, there was no place I'd rather be but at the skating rink in Seguin...aaaalllll weekend. I play because as a kid I was a damn good skater, and I never knew I could have done more with skating back then...at a rink in San Antonio. It doesn't feel right to be in front of the crowd...I usually hate the uniforms...but I love to skate. I am so greatful for the support that our fans, friends, and family show for us as derby players...but boy do I cringe when I hear "BEXI" outside of that pack.

I cringe when I hear (in person) anything about my writing. I always get positive vibes about the way I put things into words....but I never feel like its good enough. I write to make myself feel better because there's so much inside that can really get the best of me. I feel like I shouldn't be writing because I'm not educated enough...and maybe I'm not. I just have to use words like a puzzle to occupy my time and organize my emotions, because if I don't I'm a total wreck. So when you read a poem of mine...its actually me just orgainzing feelings...to reach a goal. I cringe because the whole point of writing is for others to read and relate...and its weird when others understand because as I'm writing I'm so sure no one will.

the cringe factor...you wouldn't be you without it...I'm not ashamed of it :)

I aint one to gossip...but lemme tell ya

You know that girl Rebecca, she is sooo funky.
She thinks she's all that.
She thinks she looks good wearing those clothes...
She's just trying to be what she's not
You know that girl Rebecca, she thinks she's so smart.
She talks about random shit all the time
She never makes any sense
She's a bookworm...and so uncool.
You know that girl Rebecca, she's so spoiled.
She has to have everything her way.
She's such a bitch about her standards
She's just trying to be what she's not
You know that girl Rebecca, she gets on my nerves.
With her thick ass ugly ass hair
She's fat she DOES NOT look cute in what she wears
She doesn't even care about all that grey hair
and all she wants to do is play rollerderby...dumb!

Now I aint one to gossip but lemme tell ya
You know that girl Rebecca, she's heard all of the above.
She has these things tattooed on her heart
She's a new generation of beaner...
and lemme tell ya...
....she's happy.

Now, repeat the above lines in the mirror and insert your own name
is your last line going to be 'she's happy' too?
...yeah didn't think so.

Gracias

Everyone Already Found Their Someone

The Someone who stared into the eyes of
The Someone who had yet to feel
Love and Torment
Joy and Pain.
The Someone who stared into the eyes of
The Someone who smiled
a real down to their soul
not meshed with insecurities
type smile.
The Someone who recieved
The Someone's real love without
Comparison to the Someone before
Without any prior conspiracy
Without persuasion or fear.
The Someone who stared into the eyes of
That Someone and
tore down their Someone to create a Someone
That No One has a chance at loving.