single and not looking....see below.

I sit at a bar with my funnest drunk friend and we talk about our week and some guy walks up puts his hand in my face and says his name is so-and-so. I really wish I could remember his name because belive me I'd include it. He looks at me up and down as I sit in my chair...creep. He says blah blah blah...and I am insulting him with everything I have. He stares at me with his eyes wide and mouth open. GROSS. He says shit like, "where have you been all my life?" I just want to kick him in the balls. He says shit like, "where you girls going tonite" and "man I wanna just go cruise" I say "we are going out of town and if you had a car you could go too" and "maybe if you even had a phone I could give you my number...oh wait...I don't even give out my number" and guess what...GUESS WHAT THE FUCK I REALIZED...This bastard never heard a word of it. I talked and he imagined what was being said. He stared at me as if I was sitting there naked. He was only engaged with his eyes and the tiny tiny brain he has underneath his waistline. Why the heck did he even come up to me...if not to listen. How could he even think for a minute that a girl like me would be like, "hey yeah we can just get it on right now"????? My funnest drunk friend was so worried that I was gonna slap this mutherfucker at any moment. She kept saying "bex...." ...."BEX"....."bex" Because she knew that the smart ass shit flying out of my mouth was just getting worse. I swear if he had anything I was saying he'd want to have slap me his damn self. I don't get it. I know what I look like....I'm not that fine.

I got on Plenty of fish....twice. Both for only a few days. The first time I tried to delete my profile within the first 24 hours. Honestly, this is just not for me. I'll tell you that I do know poeple that it works for...I'm not that girl. I think I'm too crazy for it. All ALL ALL the messages I get ALL say how sexy I am. OK, SEXY is a state of mind douche bag!!! SEXY like regular average jane like me sexy is NOT about looks. SEXY just on looks is reserved for fucking Megan Fox and Kim Kardashian fools...it aint gonna happen on Plenty of Fish. Sexy is how I clean my house, cook a decent meal, dress for work, take care of my daughter and handle my own bank account!!! Sexy is the fact that I DEPEND ON NO ONE...and live my life to the fullest. And just because you clicked on my profile and see a glimpse does not mean that you can message me "what up sexy" and I am actually going to respond to that. Of all the messages I got....I only responded to just a few. I only actually talked to 2 guys. The first wanted to talk on the phone and I actually did. He asked me on a date and I said yes. By the end of our conversation he had us goin out twice that week, and in two weeks he said I was to go to a wedding with him in Houston...??????.....uhhh...NO! The second guy, I really did think he was GREAT! We talked often and I really enjoyed getting to know him. We did go to dinner and he was NO weirdo, perv, freak...lol. He was like someone who could be a great friend....and he was cute. I just really liked him. After we went to dinner there wasnt really any plans for another date...our schedules were majorly conflicting....I guess. Anyway, we did plan to meet up somewhere for something, and he kept saying how excited he was for that....then he stood me up. I was PISSED. I've never been stood up before in my life...and it was bullshit. Oh geez....I was done. I didn't talk to him again. Actually, he tried to but I was very harsh to him which I later felt bad for, but I cant help it. I had explained to him how I pushed people away very easily, and he did say that I was right about how I explained how I was. Its just icky.

I'm such a punk when it comes to dating...I just can't do it. I really hate putting myself though any of this kind of junk. When I go out I don't look to find someone. I sit and chill....dumbass people approach me and I'm as rude as can be....they just see what they want to see. I'm not the kind of broad that's just gonna go home with you because I look the part. I can't describe myself in an about me section of a fucking profile. I am just unable to take random guys sending me messages left and right....its pointless.
All my family friends co workers and even people who dont really know me that well always say what a great girl I am. I mean I know I'm not ugly....I'm funny....spontaneous...and very interesting. I'm not a dumb, trashy, careless human...but I see all of those types of people in relationships....I don't get it.

I was single/celebate for allllmost a year in 08...I did it because I swear this guy was trying to force me to have sex with him. I literally had to fight him off of me. It was the stupidest scenario EVER....I never realized this but that that shit is real!! I looked into his eyes and he had the face of a mad man. Then, he went and said that I was crazy over him and stalking him...Yea after I ran out of his fucking house and changed my phone number...yeah...I'm so fucking psycho. Anyway, the point is that I pulled out a journal I had that year...I read back to that time in my life and I was SHOCKED!! I felt like I wasn't even reading my own words. The girl that wrote that....The girl I was at that time was so smart. DAMN, I had my shit together. I was so organized...so strong. I don't even feel half that strong right now. I'd like to go back to the person I was then, but I know its not possible. I know that she's gone...I killed her...lol. I went back to my ex and let him pour lighter fluid on her and I lit the match for him to destroy her. All I can do, All I can know is that its possible to be happy sailing this world alone. I didn't want to not date for a year...put a time frame on it...I know that this time, I have the "Idiot Man Repellant" on blast. I just wish I could have fun out alone without men and even women thinking I'm out to just hook up...its not true...I don't want you OR YOUR MAN!!! There are so few men that even interest me...its funny!!

I am on an outward spiral. I'm done with being down. I will write. I will write until I have nothing left in me...but look back on what I wrote and say, "Stupid Girl." lol. I am in such a weird place right now. I'll admit I just have no clue. I'm ok with it though. I've been riding the bike. I ride because I can't stand what I look like when I stand in front of the mirror. I ride because I have so many thoughts swirling, I can't sit rest or sleep without riding until I can't think anymore. In my sleep my dreams have become so violent that I've been waking up with shit that was near my bed thrown across the room...Drinking has just left me empty so...

No I'm not following the sheep who are all on a health/fitness craze....I can only control how I look and how I present myself right now. I write, I ride, because I cant control my insides. I've lost 30 pounds since March, and I've always been active....but now I feel physically unstoppable! I don't think I've ever been more proud of myself for changing my body....its easier than taking a needle or blade to draw blood...which don't get me wrong...I did rip out a birthmark I cant stand a few weeks ago...lol!! Damn thing hasn't come back....Score. I will soon have a grip on my life...inside and out...I have started to set small goals for myself. I plan on being able to ride Over 26 miles....I plan on being able to keep up with the big dogs....run the equivalent of a marathon without actually running a marathon...because...well...every jerkoff is doing it now a days. lol. I plan to weight train. thumbsdown till we get there!! lol. I plan on writing something I can be proud of....I plan on transforming my writing from a narration of my personal pain to something someone else who is NOT pathetic can friggin relate to. I hopefully, plan on building enough confidence to make friends. real friends. So I can someday quit feeling so alone. We'll see....I've never been a planner. Just a spontaneously combustable girl...trying to fit the mold.

its so complicated.

When the stress of my situation with him has settled, I find him in my thoughts. I feel so strapped down and suffocated when we are committed, but when he's gone....

its a free fall of fake drunken laughter
miniskirts and cowboy boots, high heels and "gonna getcha" perfume
mustering up the energy to tell my story repeatedly to guys who R E A L L Y dont care
its another notch on the lipstick print...
its avoiding the possibility of ending up in the same room, because I know I'm gonna see...
....what I don't wanna see.

I'm incapable of NOT being out running the night. It's genetic you see...I love the scene. I create my own scene if needed. I don't fit in anywhere, so it always makes for such madness. I'll tell you a secret though. I met, had a child, and lost the only man who fits well into my life. I know it's no secret though, how much I love this man. I don't understand why he cheats, and drains, and tears at my soul, I always say it's cause he's way down deep mexicano...and well, you know how they are (lol). I don't dwell on what I did/didn't do because I already look in the mirror and think "aye mija, you let him make you look so old."

I know this post may not make any sense. I apologize, it seems as though my writing has been very SCATTERED lately. I have had alot of difficulty with this breakup. I have never before been in therapy, and I NEVER thought I ever would be. I've self healed mentally though some tough shit, for fear of looking weak to my loved ones...this time...I didn't have it in me.

So after weeks of that...weeks of organizing my heart. I came clean. I do not want to ever put myself back on that rollercoaster, loving someone who can't love me. Once I've made this decision, I swear I feel like an addict just being released from rehab.....

I don't know why but I miss him tremendously. There has never been another person in my life that was ever hard for me to move on from. I don't know what it is, I suspect he's the only person I've ever been able to run wild with. So as I gloss up my red lips, tease up my wild curls, roll up my shorts just so, and push up my goods for a night out I have the mind set that I will be alone in this world with no true feelings for anyone but that one man....but that doesn't mean I won't be out making the most of my sadness.

Told you it was complicated. lol.

Note to Self...Note to Daughter

My loyalty runs deep
I need for you to understand the importance of loyalty
to your family and friends.
In my life I have discovered what is important to me,
I need for you to find that...and stay loyal to it always.
There will be people in your life what claim loyalty to
your feelings, but be prepared for them to ALWAYS let you down.
That kind of hurt that comes from others is all within you.
Do not allow anyone to hurt you in that way....always brace yourself.
I am able to inspire other people's confidence
I need for you to grow up with the mentality that your acceptance
is all that matters. DO NOT ever allow others to outline who you are
or will become. Appreciate when others feel confident around you....this
will take you far. DON'T ever look to surround yourself with weak people.
I have never lived my life like this. Weak people can only make you weak.
I am known for my sharp tongue
I don't think that you should have a potty mouth, but I am able to defend
myself with words. I'd like you to act and speak with dignity and like a lady.
I need for you to be able to say how you feel and express who you are with words.
I can find fault in almost anything
This has served me well. Please hone this trait you get from me, to not just
push others away but to create your own standards and expectations of others.
I have also morphed this particular trait into building walls sky high....making it
hard for me to make new friends and have healthy romantic relationships. Find Yourself
and then find fault in others and things. I worked backwards :)
Emotionally I can be a cold cold person
I'm not exactly the most loving person you'll meet. I don't tolerate emotion in others
I tend to find warm compassionate people annoying. I see you different
than I am in that way. I would like you to be your own person and feel...be emotional
and helpful to others if that's who you become, but I don't want you to be naive. I need
for you to be aware of others taking advantage of you emotionally, and able to
reach inside and protect yourself when needed
and around others I can seem distant
I've never reached beyond myself for other people attention. I never want
you to think that in a social setting you have to have attention to feel whole. That's not
who you are, I can already tell, but I need for you to be around others....and know
who you are. If you seem distant, it shouldn't be because you feel out of place. You
have a place...you are the place. Feel distant around others because you don't need
their attention or acceptance.
I will be the first to admit that I am the
most selfish person I know
I can only hope when you are 18 and looking for yourself you are the most selfish person you know. Selfish means you know who you are and what can make you happy. Some people never find that. Trust yourself, don't live to regret. I 've always lived with the firm belief that I only have myself to depend on....My only hope is that when we talk about this in 12 years it will be more of a test review than never before seen lesson plan.

This Frozen Desert...

is time standing still on stage in front of my enemies
under a spotlight not being able to think
afraid to feel
without silence
talking talking talking it out
is no direction or need
for truth because
all frozen this desert heat
has no meaning or purpose
is me not being able to decide
if I'm cold or hot
of stone or fire in water
blinded by the steam I can't
decide or move forward
is me being able to see the beauty
in this pain and
enjoy my sudden awareness
in such sorrow and
facing this anger I am alive
more than I've ever been
I'm alive
is you watching time standing still
while I am on this stage in front of
you my enemy
under a spotlight looking so afraid
and empty
is you hearing me talking talking talking it out
because this frozen desert has weathered the meaning
in my soul and all I can offer is
babble about what I think happend
and what I think is true but
the hardening of my heart is the only truth
I can ever know
is you being able to see the beauty in my pain
and knowing that you wish you hadn't
set me on that stage in front of so much ill will
under that spotlight of shame and being frozen
once again unable to move or care or
make any difference once again I get no explaination
is me being an outer shell and host to this frozen desert
where I am constantly on display as a representative of
your triumph and shame.

Oh the outRAGE!!

I see this mob of people worried and outraged:

about how much time my daughter sees her father
about how much time I spend having fun
about who I'm talking to or friends with
about what I wrote in my status box on facebook
about why I changed my phone number
about where I go in the evenings
about who I'm meeting for lunch
about what I'm reading or not
about why I said something so random
about who my random something is REALLY about
about what I'm posting on my blog!!!
about why I dress the way I do
about where I work and how much money I bring home
about how much child support I recieve and what I spend it on

I see this mob of people and I think they should be worried and OUTRAGED:

about their own time with children, husbands, wives, girlfriends
about their own happiness...
(and the following may sound hard to fathom but)
about the oil spill and how the damage done to the gulf right now can have lasting effects that span over 20 years!!
about how the economic crisis in Greece effects us...its unlikely but our dollar could very well lose value if all other country's money does too. That small of country should't go bankrupt!!
only 1/3rd of their citizens claim income....tax evasion runs rampant.
about how in this country men and women and get married and totaly fuck up the sanctity of marriage but people who would like to marry the same sex can't.
about how Arizona can pass a bill that promotes racial profiling in AMERICA....and the year is 2010!!
about how at the same time the KKK has a new breed who don't pay no mind anymore to burning crosses or lynching anyone....they've graduated to pipe bombs and they even fight with the damn Nazis...I still can't wrap my mind around that!
about how Kathy Lee Gifford is on TV every morning with HODA totally Drunk....and billigerent.
about how so many people collect HUNDREDS of dollars in food stamps EVERY MONTH and sell them for drugs.
about how polygamy is real...and arranged marriages of 14 year olds to 50 year old men is not something that is about religion!!! Its born raised and bred...its cult like and should not be in this country.
about how during the early voting in Seguin this past election we had only 600 votes!! That is soooo funny to me....people would rather sit on facebook all day than cast their vote to affect our community.
about how paparrazzi can make hundreds of thousands of dollars on a picture of a famous person leaving a coffee shop but there are kids across the country who's only meal is free lunch at school. WE ARE IN A RECESSION PEOPLE!!
about how the killer whale that killed that lady is trying to tell all you bozo's that animals of that sort are NOT meant for captivity.
About how we are bailing out big banks...and guess what THEY ARE STILL TAKING YOUR HOMES!!! REVOLT STUPID!

so you see...
there's so much to be OUTRAGED ABOUT educate yourself stay informed about the world around you...

that should not include what the heck I'm doing in my life...
There's so much more to be informed about

Por Favor!!