To Make You Laugh

I paid for my parents divorce a few years ago.

I haven't spoken to my dad in years...4 to be exact :)

I think of him everyday so it's a little touchy for me...I couldn't even begin to explain all of the anger and pain I have surrounding this man in my heart.

But anyway, I love my mother dearly. She and I joke constantly...about life usually.

Once, I was saying something negative about my father and I remember it ended with me saying to her:

"HaHa!! Well, that's YOUR HUSBAND!!"

She smiled and calmly said:

"No, honey I divorced him! He's ALWAYS gonna be your DADDY!"

If you knew our humor you'd know that this was just the funniest thing coming from my Mother. I'd never been able to laugh at anything that had to with the subject of my father. It was nice to finally do that. Thanks MOM!!

Sometimes there's nothing else to do about somethin but laugh...I'm learning that now.

what its like to smile again...

I don't remember feeling this
nervousness in my bones
shaking up my insides
heating up the blood
making my heart race...
out out out of control
I play with my hair
"hands be still" I whisper
and without any thought
my eyes are smiling...
"finally" I say to myself
and those around me hear
a giggle they've never heard
from me
before.

I don't remember feeling this
excited to see another person
I'd convinced myself that lonely
was the way to be....
trusting anyone had left the building
and love just wasn't in the cards for me
I never thought I'd feel so great
being me
again.

I don't remember feeling this
comfortable being adored
without suspicion that it was fleeting
in some way
for no reason...
I think of all the times I wished
I'd have a chance to feel...
it just never seemed imaginable
for me
to know
what its like to smile again.