I am on an outward spiral. I'm done with being down. I will write. I will write until I have nothing left in me...but look back on what I wrote and say, "Stupid Girl." lol. I am in such a weird place right now. I'll admit I just have no clue. I'm ok with it though. I've been riding the bike. I ride because I can't stand what I look like when I stand in front of the mirror. I ride because I have so many thoughts swirling, I can't sit rest or sleep without riding until I can't think anymore. In my sleep my dreams have become so violent that I've been waking up with shit that was near my bed thrown across the room...Drinking has just left me empty so...

No I'm not following the sheep who are all on a health/fitness craze....I can only control how I look and how I present myself right now. I write, I ride, because I cant control my insides. I've lost 30 pounds since March, and I've always been active....but now I feel physically unstoppable! I don't think I've ever been more proud of myself for changing my body....its easier than taking a needle or blade to draw blood...which don't get me wrong...I did rip out a birthmark I cant stand a few weeks ago...lol!! Damn thing hasn't come back....Score. I will soon have a grip on my life...inside and out...I have started to set small goals for myself. I plan on being able to ride Over 26 miles....I plan on being able to keep up with the big dogs....run the equivalent of a marathon without actually running a marathon...because...well...every jerkoff is doing it now a days. lol. I plan to weight train. thumbsdown till we get there!! lol. I plan on writing something I can be proud of....I plan on transforming my writing from a narration of my personal pain to something someone else who is NOT pathetic can friggin relate to. I hopefully, plan on building enough confidence to make friends. real friends. So I can someday quit feeling so alone. We'll see....I've never been a planner. Just a spontaneously combustable girl...trying to fit the mold.