its so complicated.

When the stress of my situation with him has settled, I find him in my thoughts. I feel so strapped down and suffocated when we are committed, but when he's gone....

its a free fall of fake drunken laughter
miniskirts and cowboy boots, high heels and "gonna getcha" perfume
mustering up the energy to tell my story repeatedly to guys who R E A L L Y dont care
its another notch on the lipstick print...
its avoiding the possibility of ending up in the same room, because I know I'm gonna see...
....what I don't wanna see.

I'm incapable of NOT being out running the night. It's genetic you see...I love the scene. I create my own scene if needed. I don't fit in anywhere, so it always makes for such madness. I'll tell you a secret though. I met, had a child, and lost the only man who fits well into my life. I know it's no secret though, how much I love this man. I don't understand why he cheats, and drains, and tears at my soul, I always say it's cause he's way down deep mexicano...and well, you know how they are (lol). I don't dwell on what I did/didn't do because I already look in the mirror and think "aye mija, you let him make you look so old."

I know this post may not make any sense. I apologize, it seems as though my writing has been very SCATTERED lately. I have had alot of difficulty with this breakup. I have never before been in therapy, and I NEVER thought I ever would be. I've self healed mentally though some tough shit, for fear of looking weak to my loved ones...this time...I didn't have it in me.

So after weeks of that...weeks of organizing my heart. I came clean. I do not want to ever put myself back on that rollercoaster, loving someone who can't love me. Once I've made this decision, I swear I feel like an addict just being released from rehab.....

I don't know why but I miss him tremendously. There has never been another person in my life that was ever hard for me to move on from. I don't know what it is, I suspect he's the only person I've ever been able to run wild with. So as I gloss up my red lips, tease up my wild curls, roll up my shorts just so, and push up my goods for a night out I have the mind set that I will be alone in this world with no true feelings for anyone but that one man....but that doesn't mean I won't be out making the most of my sadness.

Told you it was complicated. lol.