Note to Self...Note to Daughter

My loyalty runs deep
I need for you to understand the importance of loyalty
to your family and friends.
In my life I have discovered what is important to me,
I need for you to find that...and stay loyal to it always.
There will be people in your life what claim loyalty to
your feelings, but be prepared for them to ALWAYS let you down.
That kind of hurt that comes from others is all within you.
Do not allow anyone to hurt you in that way....always brace yourself.
I am able to inspire other people's confidence
I need for you to grow up with the mentality that your acceptance
is all that matters. DO NOT ever allow others to outline who you are
or will become. Appreciate when others feel confident around you....this
will take you far. DON'T ever look to surround yourself with weak people.
I have never lived my life like this. Weak people can only make you weak.
I am known for my sharp tongue
I don't think that you should have a potty mouth, but I am able to defend
myself with words. I'd like you to act and speak with dignity and like a lady.
I need for you to be able to say how you feel and express who you are with words.
I can find fault in almost anything
This has served me well. Please hone this trait you get from me, to not just
push others away but to create your own standards and expectations of others.
I have also morphed this particular trait into building walls sky high....making it
hard for me to make new friends and have healthy romantic relationships. Find Yourself
and then find fault in others and things. I worked backwards :)
Emotionally I can be a cold cold person
I'm not exactly the most loving person you'll meet. I don't tolerate emotion in others
I tend to find warm compassionate people annoying. I see you different
than I am in that way. I would like you to be your own person and feel...be emotional
and helpful to others if that's who you become, but I don't want you to be naive. I need
for you to be aware of others taking advantage of you emotionally, and able to
reach inside and protect yourself when needed
and around others I can seem distant
I've never reached beyond myself for other people attention. I never want
you to think that in a social setting you have to have attention to feel whole. That's not
who you are, I can already tell, but I need for you to be around others....and know
who you are. If you seem distant, it shouldn't be because you feel out of place. You
have a place...you are the place. Feel distant around others because you don't need
their attention or acceptance.
I will be the first to admit that I am the
most selfish person I know
I can only hope when you are 18 and looking for yourself you are the most selfish person you know. Selfish means you know who you are and what can make you happy. Some people never find that. Trust yourself, don't live to regret. I 've always lived with the firm belief that I only have myself to depend on....My only hope is that when we talk about this in 12 years it will be more of a test review than never before seen lesson plan.

This Frozen Desert...

is time standing still on stage in front of my enemies
under a spotlight not being able to think
afraid to feel
without silence
talking talking talking it out
is no direction or need
for truth because
all frozen this desert heat
has no meaning or purpose
is me not being able to decide
if I'm cold or hot
of stone or fire in water
blinded by the steam I can't
decide or move forward
is me being able to see the beauty
in this pain and
enjoy my sudden awareness
in such sorrow and
facing this anger I am alive
more than I've ever been
I'm alive
is you watching time standing still
while I am on this stage in front of
you my enemy
under a spotlight looking so afraid
and empty
is you hearing me talking talking talking it out
because this frozen desert has weathered the meaning
in my soul and all I can offer is
babble about what I think happend
and what I think is true but
the hardening of my heart is the only truth
I can ever know
is you being able to see the beauty in my pain
and knowing that you wish you hadn't
set me on that stage in front of so much ill will
under that spotlight of shame and being frozen
once again unable to move or care or
make any difference once again I get no explaination
is me being an outer shell and host to this frozen desert
where I am constantly on display as a representative of
your triumph and shame.

Oh the outRAGE!!

I see this mob of people worried and outraged:

about how much time my daughter sees her father
about how much time I spend having fun
about who I'm talking to or friends with
about what I wrote in my status box on facebook
about why I changed my phone number
about where I go in the evenings
about who I'm meeting for lunch
about what I'm reading or not
about why I said something so random
about who my random something is REALLY about
about what I'm posting on my blog!!!
about why I dress the way I do
about where I work and how much money I bring home
about how much child support I recieve and what I spend it on

I see this mob of people and I think they should be worried and OUTRAGED:

about their own time with children, husbands, wives, girlfriends
about their own happiness...
(and the following may sound hard to fathom but)
about the oil spill and how the damage done to the gulf right now can have lasting effects that span over 20 years!!
about how the economic crisis in Greece effects us...its unlikely but our dollar could very well lose value if all other country's money does too. That small of country should't go bankrupt!!
only 1/3rd of their citizens claim income....tax evasion runs rampant.
about how in this country men and women and get married and totaly fuck up the sanctity of marriage but people who would like to marry the same sex can't.
about how Arizona can pass a bill that promotes racial profiling in AMERICA....and the year is 2010!!
about how at the same time the KKK has a new breed who don't pay no mind anymore to burning crosses or lynching anyone....they've graduated to pipe bombs and they even fight with the damn Nazis...I still can't wrap my mind around that!
about how Kathy Lee Gifford is on TV every morning with HODA totally Drunk....and billigerent.
about how so many people collect HUNDREDS of dollars in food stamps EVERY MONTH and sell them for drugs.
about how polygamy is real...and arranged marriages of 14 year olds to 50 year old men is not something that is about religion!!! Its born raised and bred...its cult like and should not be in this country.
about how during the early voting in Seguin this past election we had only 600 votes!! That is soooo funny to me....people would rather sit on facebook all day than cast their vote to affect our community.
about how paparrazzi can make hundreds of thousands of dollars on a picture of a famous person leaving a coffee shop but there are kids across the country who's only meal is free lunch at school. WE ARE IN A RECESSION PEOPLE!!
about how the killer whale that killed that lady is trying to tell all you bozo's that animals of that sort are NOT meant for captivity.
About how we are bailing out big banks...and guess what THEY ARE STILL TAKING YOUR HOMES!!! REVOLT STUPID!

so you see...
there's so much to be OUTRAGED ABOUT educate yourself stay informed about the world around you...

that should not include what the heck I'm doing in my life...
There's so much more to be informed about

Por Favor!!

My Mother used to look for Dad in the middle of the night
on the weekends...
on school nights...
before he had to go to work.

My Mother always found him in the middle of the bar
surrounded by barflies...
unable to speak with no slurs
sweating beer from his pours.

My Mother thought it her duty to get him home
driving drunk...
cursing and abusive...
arguing with us for taking up space.

My Mother let him infultrate our home
with let downs, put downs, and throw downs....
to keep her family together...
and honestly I feel so shattered.

My Mother subliminally instilled in me
what type of Mother I'd be...
the opposite of what she showed me...
I thank her for that.

My Mother subliminally instilled in me
a father figure that I'd be destined ...
to repeat for my own daughter...
I am so disappointed at that.

My Mother sadly is still hurt by my father
she doesn't search anymore...
and the pain doesn't run so deep...
I can see an end to my hurt one day.

My Mother raised me through this hell
I went through that marriage...
I can assure myself that rising above that...
I can rise above it all.

Kindergarten field trip...

I went to this same zoo on mine a million years ago.

I must say you are waaaay cooler than I was though :)

I want you to wear that Dinosaur mask....

as long as you possibly can.

And never forget the importance of being your unique self.

Your smile is perfection...


Please don't let the joy of field trip day leave your heart.

Keep it always for there won't always be field trips.


I admire your way with animals...

You didn't get that from me.

Please know that I am amazed by your way...truly caring.

Derby Love

I feel most comfortable with eight pink wheels under my feet.
I skate til my muscles feel as though they are going to burst.
I skate because there's nothing in this world that gets my heart pumping like...
the heebie jeebies of a scary movie mixed...
with nerves of a first kiss...
and
the rage I'd get to defend my womanhood.
All rolled up into a two minute jam.
That's why I skate.

I don't think you know yet why I skate.
I skate because this game requires me to think offensive and defensivly while being
hit from all sides, while skating my lil heart out, communicating with my team, while...
a ref is giving me a NO-NO....
and the opponent blocker is taunting...
but all I care about is my star...My Jammer.

She's coming around the corner and I will find a hole
In this group of girls, vicious to knock eachother out...
to get her through...to score some points...
to not go home...this bruised
for nothing but to say we are the best!!

I skate because I never did fit in.
I skate because I'd be in jail otherwise...
because of this anger...i hold so dearly in my heart...
waiting for practice...to get knocked on my ass
by a bigger girl...who is such a dear friend.
I skate because I couldn't find a balance in my life
without Roller Derby.

Packing it up.

My red suitcase was given to me by your dear friend. I could't believe I'd gotten the chance to get my hands on these. I wish I knew then what this case would be used for. I may have passed on the gift had I known.

Today, I woke up all alone, I was so grateful to the tequila last night for a long needed laugh and finally a good nights sleep. I streeeetched my sore body and rubbed my sleepy eyes, turned on the tube to my usual CNN. I don't know why I watch it, I know you think it's so boring. I am usually able to call and check on you guys, make sure ya'll have had breakfast...but not today. You have my queen, my soul, our daughter and I feel like you have my world with you. It would never be hard to let you go, if I didn't have this pesky court order outlining times and dates and orders, orders orders! I have no way anymore to check on your time, I have no communication with you anymore. Instead I decide to get up today, and pack it up.

I take out my red suitcase, I remember your smile at how my face lit up when I was sure they were mine. You know how much I love this set. I place it in the middle of my floor. I put in there the black book. The book that is full of raw anger, growth, sorrow, and thoughts of me moving on. This book was filled the year we were split up. I place it in the case, because this next year will be more intense than that. This anger more destructive, this growth not easy to find, sorrow more vengeful, and these thoughts more complex and contradicting than ever before. This book represents how I don't know how I'm going to end up back in a peaceful place, but its possible....I can't see it now, but one day. The case is not the kind of case that holds one tiny book. I place pictures, spirals, drawings, tickets, tidbits of our memories. I place cd's of the past. The cd's were the hardest, I must admit. The case is filled with gifts from you. The jewelry, the small things. I still don't feel like I've properly used the case to pack it up.

I place in there my loyalty to you. Its this goey glue type stuff that holds any relationship/frienship together...you never had the right consistancy. The last bit of my heart that was soft, warm, and squishy went in. I remember saying, "It doesn't matter who that person becomes, if you love somone, you love them through it all-unconditionally," you never understood that. All the hope I had living in this town, to raise my daughter where I grew up got packed in to one side. I have to move up and over with my life, so the possibility of needing to move us up and outta here so that I can be a better Mom to my daughter is takin over me more and more every day. I stuff in the case your Becca, the one that thinks you are the only man I could ever love. She's stubborn as you know, and I've had to deal with her shenanigans for years, it was a battle but she's gone. I close the case, it's all packed up.

I sit next to the case and that's where I am right now. I don't know where I should take this case, where'd we go or how we'd get there. I'm happy to have had the energy and free time to pack it up. I think the first hurdle has passed. I am alone, closed off to you and those who surround you who wish the worst on me....and all the evidence that I let you hurt me again is packed up. I sit here next to this case, just glad to have it packed up. I don't know where we'll travel me and this case...but I know I won't unpack it...