Packing it up.

My red suitcase was given to me by your dear friend. I could't believe I'd gotten the chance to get my hands on these. I wish I knew then what this case would be used for. I may have passed on the gift had I known.

Today, I woke up all alone, I was so grateful to the tequila last night for a long needed laugh and finally a good nights sleep. I streeeetched my sore body and rubbed my sleepy eyes, turned on the tube to my usual CNN. I don't know why I watch it, I know you think it's so boring. I am usually able to call and check on you guys, make sure ya'll have had breakfast...but not today. You have my queen, my soul, our daughter and I feel like you have my world with you. It would never be hard to let you go, if I didn't have this pesky court order outlining times and dates and orders, orders orders! I have no way anymore to check on your time, I have no communication with you anymore. Instead I decide to get up today, and pack it up.

I take out my red suitcase, I remember your smile at how my face lit up when I was sure they were mine. You know how much I love this set. I place it in the middle of my floor. I put in there the black book. The book that is full of raw anger, growth, sorrow, and thoughts of me moving on. This book was filled the year we were split up. I place it in the case, because this next year will be more intense than that. This anger more destructive, this growth not easy to find, sorrow more vengeful, and these thoughts more complex and contradicting than ever before. This book represents how I don't know how I'm going to end up back in a peaceful place, but its possible....I can't see it now, but one day. The case is not the kind of case that holds one tiny book. I place pictures, spirals, drawings, tickets, tidbits of our memories. I place cd's of the past. The cd's were the hardest, I must admit. The case is filled with gifts from you. The jewelry, the small things. I still don't feel like I've properly used the case to pack it up.

I place in there my loyalty to you. Its this goey glue type stuff that holds any relationship/frienship together...you never had the right consistancy. The last bit of my heart that was soft, warm, and squishy went in. I remember saying, "It doesn't matter who that person becomes, if you love somone, you love them through it all-unconditionally," you never understood that. All the hope I had living in this town, to raise my daughter where I grew up got packed in to one side. I have to move up and over with my life, so the possibility of needing to move us up and outta here so that I can be a better Mom to my daughter is takin over me more and more every day. I stuff in the case your Becca, the one that thinks you are the only man I could ever love. She's stubborn as you know, and I've had to deal with her shenanigans for years, it was a battle but she's gone. I close the case, it's all packed up.

I sit next to the case and that's where I am right now. I don't know where I should take this case, where'd we go or how we'd get there. I'm happy to have had the energy and free time to pack it up. I think the first hurdle has passed. I am alone, closed off to you and those who surround you who wish the worst on me....and all the evidence that I let you hurt me again is packed up. I sit here next to this case, just glad to have it packed up. I don't know where we'll travel me and this case...but I know I won't unpack it...