Hermanas Por Vida

With the blessing of social networking sites like Facebook I came across this very old picture.
I'm in the middle front with the LIGHT blue dress...ulgh!
This was in 2003ish I think.
Right before I got pregnant with my daughter...and life began.

This is a picture of the BEAUTIFUL women of Sigma Lambda Gamma Sorority Inc.

A few of these women were my best friends in the whole world at this time in my life.
All that this organization stands on...is all that I was at this time in awe of.

Its about REPPIN nothing less than the best...and I can dig that :)
I am very grateful to have had this experience in my early years...

Being apart of this sisterhood really taught me alot.

ALOT OF WHAT I CARRY WITH ME STILL TODAY.

This night, was a sorority formal.
My date was of course none other than Mr. Alvarado.
We'd known eachother just a few weeks, and even though I love being around the sisterhood....

I always feel like I can't do it without him by my side.

I got an invite to attend the Sorority 10 year celebration/reunion the other day...

I plan on not attending.

I'd rather keep the GOOD TIMES in a safe place

and not have to face what I have/have not become...lol
I like for things to stay neatly filed away in the past.
I don't consider myself even on the same plane as these women.
I did it...its done...Cute Pic though.
heehee

because I'll never sleep again

My first love was dumb ol boy some sort of waking nightmare.
He wore his pants just under his butt...
He was my first lesson in gang writings, hip hop...and ooofff the lowriders.
He went away after grabbing me by the neck and dragging me down
a vacant hallway after hours at Seguin High School.
He went away chasing broads in Air Jordans and mini skirts....
Lord knows I'd never allow myself to adapt to that look.

My Second love was a stellar dream.
He was a big teddy bear on the football team...
He was my first lesson about the night sky,
How right here on earth we could float above it all...and kiss the stars
He was a gentleman in every way so I cried so hard when he left for college one day.
Arizona took him from me, and we'd never be the same...
Even when he drove to Huntsville to ask me back, we were still tunneling the drain.
watching him smile got harder and walking away was so easy....
his vices got the best of him and I'm just too damn cute to change over to sleazy.

The last love to end all love for me
is a soft spoken intensive thinking hard working..PROUD hispanic man.
I'd never known comfort before this man held me in his sleep...
The world just turns and turns and turns...and with a deep exhale
and the smell of his skin I could just sleep.
You see he wakes before the sun and would kiss my face to fall back into my slumber...
and then that lazy sun would brighten my day...while he worked for us, his family.
This man decided almost a decade ago that I am just not worthy of his love....
I thought that I could show him...and love enough for for the both of us
He loves the night...and chases the neon lights with a cold one in his hand.
I've chased it right along with him for the better part of my twenties now...
I think that's just how the story goes...
Because as hard as its been to let him go I know I'll never sleep again.

Cardenas

has never been apart of my title
yeah I see my crazy cousin Dan at the bar every now and then...
and My Great Aunt Belia is the most important person in my life
but I still have never felt like Cardenas was describing me.

I went to school in the same grade as my cousin Nadia
and no one knew we were even related...
My most favorite uncle Reyes even lived with us when I was a teenager
but I still never felt the Cardenas connection...no matter how its surrounded me.

I remember being a little tiny girl...
celebrating Easter with cousins, aunts, uncles, all of my mother's family
all with the last name and strong Cardenas features...
feeling the most loved, no care in the world, just being a kid in the land where cascarones ran rampant.

I never knew the direct line who is my grandfather Agapito Cardenas...
I remember wishing I did. I remember wondering why I have all of this family
without him.

No one ever spoke of him, as a brother, father, no mention at all
I reached a point in my life where I accepted his absence the way my mother was forced to.
I realized that my pressing questions were too much a nuisance...

With the birth of my daughter I've grown more curious about my family.
Over the past few years I've asked more questions of my loved ones....
Just hoping to get a story...anything. I'm no longer satified with knowing nothing.

A few months ago we were told that Agapito may be coming back to Texas.
I couldn't have thought it better news...I think all of my family was happy to hear....
that maybe he'd move back and we'd be able to get to know who this mysterious
part of our bloodline really was.

And Agapito Cardenas passed away. I don't have any memories other than the two times we briefly met...or the times he called to speak to my mother when I was younger.
I could write a book about the mystery that surrounds this man for me.
Hearing of his passing, all I could do was think of all of my memories with all of my family....
that he was absent in...I am grateful and feel so privileged to be apart of
this Cardenas family, you have no idea how vivid this family's character really is....

So sitting down today, at a table with my Mother, two uncles, Julian and Val...
along with my Great Aunt, Belia I was nominated to write Agapito Cardenas' Obituary.
I never felt so apart of this family....being sure I include all of my cousins....
worrying about this wording and listening in on their plans for a memorial service.
I love getting to conversate with my uncles, all three of them...
I take any chance can get,
and today was no different...Thank You Agapito Cardenas

far far away to home...you just cant get any closer than family :)

update in pictures

Well, Evelyn and I have both gotten really into spa treatment at home. Her mainly for relaxation...she's into me doing her nails, So we've bee experimenting with nail art. I've been trying to take care of my skin...daily cleansing...trying to stop the evidence of aging on this stinkin face of mine. So anyway I thought this was so funny.

She's still the same lil weirdo...We've been starting to argue a little more. She's beginning to butt heads with me which is something that's very new to the both of us, but it's alright...we love eachother without end. This picture is of her Butterfly Net on her head and yes, this is a koozie she's wearing as a glove. I love how she plays...she's so funny.

She's stretching out...she's lookin tall. It's been a great summer so far. This day I had put makeup on her and her on me. You do NOT want to see what I looked like :)


The feet below belong to my NEW Nephew Dylan. I love his little feet...he's in my mother's arms so I want to frame this picture someday. He's such a handsome boy.

I wanted a picture of me and Evelyn. We haven't taken studio pictures since 2008. We need to. It's VERY rare that we get to have a picture of the both of us because since I'm a single mommy, I always have to take the pictures myself. lol

I want to start taking more pictures again. I always get discouraged though. I think I suck.

This is at freedome fiesta in Seguin July 3rd 2010. She wanted to ride this over and over. She said she loves being dizzy, SO DO I !!!!

This Picture is from the Seguin Parade. I love my hometown...she will too.

We had matching shirts and she thought that was the coolest!! I suspect that there won't be too many more years that this would be on this side of cool with her. Taking advantage I had to get a Picture :)

single and not looking....see below.

I sit at a bar with my funnest drunk friend and we talk about our week and some guy walks up puts his hand in my face and says his name is so-and-so. I really wish I could remember his name because belive me I'd include it. He looks at me up and down as I sit in my chair...creep. He says blah blah blah...and I am insulting him with everything I have. He stares at me with his eyes wide and mouth open. GROSS. He says shit like, "where have you been all my life?" I just want to kick him in the balls. He says shit like, "where you girls going tonite" and "man I wanna just go cruise" I say "we are going out of town and if you had a car you could go too" and "maybe if you even had a phone I could give you my number...oh wait...I don't even give out my number" and guess what...GUESS WHAT THE FUCK I REALIZED...This bastard never heard a word of it. I talked and he imagined what was being said. He stared at me as if I was sitting there naked. He was only engaged with his eyes and the tiny tiny brain he has underneath his waistline. Why the heck did he even come up to me...if not to listen. How could he even think for a minute that a girl like me would be like, "hey yeah we can just get it on right now"????? My funnest drunk friend was so worried that I was gonna slap this mutherfucker at any moment. She kept saying "bex...." ...."BEX"....."bex" Because she knew that the smart ass shit flying out of my mouth was just getting worse. I swear if he had anything I was saying he'd want to have slap me his damn self. I don't get it. I know what I look like....I'm not that fine.

I got on Plenty of fish....twice. Both for only a few days. The first time I tried to delete my profile within the first 24 hours. Honestly, this is just not for me. I'll tell you that I do know poeple that it works for...I'm not that girl. I think I'm too crazy for it. All ALL ALL the messages I get ALL say how sexy I am. OK, SEXY is a state of mind douche bag!!! SEXY like regular average jane like me sexy is NOT about looks. SEXY just on looks is reserved for fucking Megan Fox and Kim Kardashian fools...it aint gonna happen on Plenty of Fish. Sexy is how I clean my house, cook a decent meal, dress for work, take care of my daughter and handle my own bank account!!! Sexy is the fact that I DEPEND ON NO ONE...and live my life to the fullest. And just because you clicked on my profile and see a glimpse does not mean that you can message me "what up sexy" and I am actually going to respond to that. Of all the messages I got....I only responded to just a few. I only actually talked to 2 guys. The first wanted to talk on the phone and I actually did. He asked me on a date and I said yes. By the end of our conversation he had us goin out twice that week, and in two weeks he said I was to go to a wedding with him in Houston...??????.....uhhh...NO! The second guy, I really did think he was GREAT! We talked often and I really enjoyed getting to know him. We did go to dinner and he was NO weirdo, perv, freak...lol. He was like someone who could be a great friend....and he was cute. I just really liked him. After we went to dinner there wasnt really any plans for another date...our schedules were majorly conflicting....I guess. Anyway, we did plan to meet up somewhere for something, and he kept saying how excited he was for that....then he stood me up. I was PISSED. I've never been stood up before in my life...and it was bullshit. Oh geez....I was done. I didn't talk to him again. Actually, he tried to but I was very harsh to him which I later felt bad for, but I cant help it. I had explained to him how I pushed people away very easily, and he did say that I was right about how I explained how I was. Its just icky.

I'm such a punk when it comes to dating...I just can't do it. I really hate putting myself though any of this kind of junk. When I go out I don't look to find someone. I sit and chill....dumbass people approach me and I'm as rude as can be....they just see what they want to see. I'm not the kind of broad that's just gonna go home with you because I look the part. I can't describe myself in an about me section of a fucking profile. I am just unable to take random guys sending me messages left and right....its pointless.
All my family friends co workers and even people who dont really know me that well always say what a great girl I am. I mean I know I'm not ugly....I'm funny....spontaneous...and very interesting. I'm not a dumb, trashy, careless human...but I see all of those types of people in relationships....I don't get it.

I was single/celebate for allllmost a year in 08...I did it because I swear this guy was trying to force me to have sex with him. I literally had to fight him off of me. It was the stupidest scenario EVER....I never realized this but that that shit is real!! I looked into his eyes and he had the face of a mad man. Then, he went and said that I was crazy over him and stalking him...Yea after I ran out of his fucking house and changed my phone number...yeah...I'm so fucking psycho. Anyway, the point is that I pulled out a journal I had that year...I read back to that time in my life and I was SHOCKED!! I felt like I wasn't even reading my own words. The girl that wrote that....The girl I was at that time was so smart. DAMN, I had my shit together. I was so organized...so strong. I don't even feel half that strong right now. I'd like to go back to the person I was then, but I know its not possible. I know that she's gone...I killed her...lol. I went back to my ex and let him pour lighter fluid on her and I lit the match for him to destroy her. All I can do, All I can know is that its possible to be happy sailing this world alone. I didn't want to not date for a year...put a time frame on it...I know that this time, I have the "Idiot Man Repellant" on blast. I just wish I could have fun out alone without men and even women thinking I'm out to just hook up...its not true...I don't want you OR YOUR MAN!!! There are so few men that even interest me...its funny!!

I am on an outward spiral. I'm done with being down. I will write. I will write until I have nothing left in me...but look back on what I wrote and say, "Stupid Girl." lol. I am in such a weird place right now. I'll admit I just have no clue. I'm ok with it though. I've been riding the bike. I ride because I can't stand what I look like when I stand in front of the mirror. I ride because I have so many thoughts swirling, I can't sit rest or sleep without riding until I can't think anymore. In my sleep my dreams have become so violent that I've been waking up with shit that was near my bed thrown across the room...Drinking has just left me empty so...

No I'm not following the sheep who are all on a health/fitness craze....I can only control how I look and how I present myself right now. I write, I ride, because I cant control my insides. I've lost 30 pounds since March, and I've always been active....but now I feel physically unstoppable! I don't think I've ever been more proud of myself for changing my body....its easier than taking a needle or blade to draw blood...which don't get me wrong...I did rip out a birthmark I cant stand a few weeks ago...lol!! Damn thing hasn't come back....Score. I will soon have a grip on my life...inside and out...I have started to set small goals for myself. I plan on being able to ride Over 26 miles....I plan on being able to keep up with the big dogs....run the equivalent of a marathon without actually running a marathon...because...well...every jerkoff is doing it now a days. lol. I plan to weight train. thumbsdown till we get there!! lol. I plan on writing something I can be proud of....I plan on transforming my writing from a narration of my personal pain to something someone else who is NOT pathetic can friggin relate to. I hopefully, plan on building enough confidence to make friends. real friends. So I can someday quit feeling so alone. We'll see....I've never been a planner. Just a spontaneously combustable girl...trying to fit the mold.

its so complicated.

When the stress of my situation with him has settled, I find him in my thoughts. I feel so strapped down and suffocated when we are committed, but when he's gone....

its a free fall of fake drunken laughter
miniskirts and cowboy boots, high heels and "gonna getcha" perfume
mustering up the energy to tell my story repeatedly to guys who R E A L L Y dont care
its another notch on the lipstick print...
its avoiding the possibility of ending up in the same room, because I know I'm gonna see...
....what I don't wanna see.

I'm incapable of NOT being out running the night. It's genetic you see...I love the scene. I create my own scene if needed. I don't fit in anywhere, so it always makes for such madness. I'll tell you a secret though. I met, had a child, and lost the only man who fits well into my life. I know it's no secret though, how much I love this man. I don't understand why he cheats, and drains, and tears at my soul, I always say it's cause he's way down deep mexicano...and well, you know how they are (lol). I don't dwell on what I did/didn't do because I already look in the mirror and think "aye mija, you let him make you look so old."

I know this post may not make any sense. I apologize, it seems as though my writing has been very SCATTERED lately. I have had alot of difficulty with this breakup. I have never before been in therapy, and I NEVER thought I ever would be. I've self healed mentally though some tough shit, for fear of looking weak to my loved ones...this time...I didn't have it in me.

So after weeks of that...weeks of organizing my heart. I came clean. I do not want to ever put myself back on that rollercoaster, loving someone who can't love me. Once I've made this decision, I swear I feel like an addict just being released from rehab.....

I don't know why but I miss him tremendously. There has never been another person in my life that was ever hard for me to move on from. I don't know what it is, I suspect he's the only person I've ever been able to run wild with. So as I gloss up my red lips, tease up my wild curls, roll up my shorts just so, and push up my goods for a night out I have the mind set that I will be alone in this world with no true feelings for anyone but that one man....but that doesn't mean I won't be out making the most of my sadness.

Told you it was complicated. lol.