Happy Holidays from Bex and Ev

This Christmas is going to be the best EVER. It always is. I love My Girl.

Look at who you've loved,
And who you were to love them.
Look at who you've lost,
And who you grew into in order to let go.
Are you still sane?
Probably not...

if you are, it wasn't love.

the cringe factor

I still cringe everytime I hear my mother pronounce my name "REVVEEECKAH!!"
I specifically named my daughter a name that cannot be translated to spanish because my mother used to call out my name in spanish when I was a kid and it would make me so uncomfortable.
And now, I must admit that when I'm calling my daughter to do her homework and what not I say "VICKTORRRRRIA!!!" (rolling that "ERE"). That's her middle name and I sure do use it. She runs up to me smiling most of the time, and I know I'm doing my job. I'm raising my daughter to not be ashamed of the constant chance in our home that a R can be rolled here and there.

I still cringe everytime a statement in mid conversation starts with, "Your Dad...."
or I'm in a very rare occurance speaking of the man and I say, "My Dad..."
I think of all my insecurites because of that man. I can instantly feel my eardrum bouncing around in my head at the sound of his drunken insecurities shouting over our whole house. The screaming would grab hold of any comfort we may have felt in that home and squeezed out my childhood one small hesitant drop at a time. I cringe mostly at the memory of being 9 years old and falling asleep at night peacefully being kissed by my mother only to wake up in the middle of the night...to his shouting. No one should ever live like that. I cringe because there are people who do...still do.

I still cringe everytime I hear someone announce "BEXI BADFISH"
over a loud mic...at a rink in San Antonio. It never felt right...I don't play for the attention. I play to skate. I play because I enjoy the sport. I play because it is full contact and I can do it on skates. I play because when I was a kid, there was no place I'd rather be but at the skating rink in Seguin...aaaalllll weekend. I play because as a kid I was a damn good skater, and I never knew I could have done more with skating back then...at a rink in San Antonio. It doesn't feel right to be in front of the crowd...I usually hate the uniforms...but I love to skate. I am so greatful for the support that our fans, friends, and family show for us as derby players...but boy do I cringe when I hear "BEXI" outside of that pack.

I cringe when I hear (in person) anything about my writing. I always get positive vibes about the way I put things into words....but I never feel like its good enough. I write to make myself feel better because there's so much inside that can really get the best of me. I feel like I shouldn't be writing because I'm not educated enough...and maybe I'm not. I just have to use words like a puzzle to occupy my time and organize my emotions, because if I don't I'm a total wreck. So when you read a poem of mine...its actually me just orgainzing feelings...to reach a goal. I cringe because the whole point of writing is for others to read and relate...and its weird when others understand because as I'm writing I'm so sure no one will.

the cringe factor...you wouldn't be you without it...I'm not ashamed of it :)

I aint one to gossip...but lemme tell ya

You know that girl Rebecca, she is sooo funky.
She thinks she's all that.
She thinks she looks good wearing those clothes...
She's just trying to be what she's not
You know that girl Rebecca, she thinks she's so smart.
She talks about random shit all the time
She never makes any sense
She's a bookworm...and so uncool.
You know that girl Rebecca, she's so spoiled.
She has to have everything her way.
She's such a bitch about her standards
She's just trying to be what she's not
You know that girl Rebecca, she gets on my nerves.
With her thick ass ugly ass hair
She's fat she DOES NOT look cute in what she wears
She doesn't even care about all that grey hair
and all she wants to do is play rollerderby...dumb!

Now I aint one to gossip but lemme tell ya
You know that girl Rebecca, she's heard all of the above.
She has these things tattooed on her heart
She's a new generation of beaner...
and lemme tell ya...
....she's happy.

Now, repeat the above lines in the mirror and insert your own name
is your last line going to be 'she's happy' too?
...yeah didn't think so.

Gracias

Everyone Already Found Their Someone

The Someone who stared into the eyes of
The Someone who had yet to feel
Love and Torment
Joy and Pain.
The Someone who stared into the eyes of
The Someone who smiled
a real down to their soul
not meshed with insecurities
type smile.
The Someone who recieved
The Someone's real love without
Comparison to the Someone before
Without any prior conspiracy
Without persuasion or fear.
The Someone who stared into the eyes of
That Someone and
tore down their Someone to create a Someone
That No One has a chance at loving.

I think that the Higher Power sure knows what she was doing....

My precious 6 year old daughter has always been a good reader. She's always gone to the Library regularly and she loves looking at different kinds of books. I'm very thankful for that.

She's in 1st grade now and starting this summer she's picked out books that she can actually read on her own. Her vocabulary seems to have doubled and I'm just really impressed with how good she's reading on her own. Ok, right about the time she started reading on her own...

...she lost her two front teeth!

Someone up there who's with us everywhere sure knows what she's doing...lol!!

There's nothing that can make you fall in love with your child more than to hear that child reading all on her own with no front teeth...its the sweetest lisp-EVER!! It brings a tear to my eye. Evie is just so cute :)

hide and stick

It was a sticky web
I'd spin and strengthen

to cover and hide

With words a sticky web
I'd spin and tangle

to have a safe place
for mangled heart shreds
to muster a beat

A sticky word web
That was not just words

but a whole facade
so that others cant see past

My sticky web of sticky words.

I don't know how to walk through life

without being barefoot

on glass...in the dark.



I don't have any feelings

without doubt

in pain...with stupidity.



I don't see the point

believing there's good

in you...for me.

I don't know how to walk through life

taking the easy route

comforted by the arms of another...

I'm used to sorting through the ruins

I'd rather walk

alone than believe in you...

for me.

To Make You Laugh

I paid for my parents divorce a few years ago.

I haven't spoken to my dad in years...4 to be exact :)

I think of him everyday so it's a little touchy for me...I couldn't even begin to explain all of the anger and pain I have surrounding this man in my heart.

But anyway, I love my mother dearly. She and I joke constantly...about life usually.

Once, I was saying something negative about my father and I remember it ended with me saying to her:

"HaHa!! Well, that's YOUR HUSBAND!!"

She smiled and calmly said:

"No, honey I divorced him! He's ALWAYS gonna be your DADDY!"

If you knew our humor you'd know that this was just the funniest thing coming from my Mother. I'd never been able to laugh at anything that had to with the subject of my father. It was nice to finally do that. Thanks MOM!!

Sometimes there's nothing else to do about somethin but laugh...I'm learning that now.

what its like to smile again...

I don't remember feeling this
nervousness in my bones
shaking up my insides
heating up the blood
making my heart race...
out out out of control
I play with my hair
"hands be still" I whisper
and without any thought
my eyes are smiling...
"finally" I say to myself
and those around me hear
a giggle they've never heard
from me
before.

I don't remember feeling this
excited to see another person
I'd convinced myself that lonely
was the way to be....
trusting anyone had left the building
and love just wasn't in the cards for me
I never thought I'd feel so great
being me
again.

I don't remember feeling this
comfortable being adored
without suspicion that it was fleeting
in some way
for no reason...
I think of all the times I wished
I'd have a chance to feel...
it just never seemed imaginable
for me
to know
what its like to smile again.

We got a Bunny...its name is Buttons

Hermanas Por Vida

With the blessing of social networking sites like Facebook I came across this very old picture.
I'm in the middle front with the LIGHT blue dress...ulgh!
This was in 2003ish I think.
Right before I got pregnant with my daughter...and life began.

This is a picture of the BEAUTIFUL women of Sigma Lambda Gamma Sorority Inc.

A few of these women were my best friends in the whole world at this time in my life.
All that this organization stands on...is all that I was at this time in awe of.

Its about REPPIN nothing less than the best...and I can dig that :)
I am very grateful to have had this experience in my early years...

Being apart of this sisterhood really taught me alot.

ALOT OF WHAT I CARRY WITH ME STILL TODAY.

This night, was a sorority formal.
My date was of course none other than Mr. Alvarado.
We'd known eachother just a few weeks, and even though I love being around the sisterhood....

I always feel like I can't do it without him by my side.

I got an invite to attend the Sorority 10 year celebration/reunion the other day...

I plan on not attending.

I'd rather keep the GOOD TIMES in a safe place

and not have to face what I have/have not become...lol
I like for things to stay neatly filed away in the past.
I don't consider myself even on the same plane as these women.
I did it...its done...Cute Pic though.
heehee

because I'll never sleep again

My first love was dumb ol boy some sort of waking nightmare.
He wore his pants just under his butt...
He was my first lesson in gang writings, hip hop...and ooofff the lowriders.
He went away after grabbing me by the neck and dragging me down
a vacant hallway after hours at Seguin High School.
He went away chasing broads in Air Jordans and mini skirts....
Lord knows I'd never allow myself to adapt to that look.

My Second love was a stellar dream.
He was a big teddy bear on the football team...
He was my first lesson about the night sky,
How right here on earth we could float above it all...and kiss the stars
He was a gentleman in every way so I cried so hard when he left for college one day.
Arizona took him from me, and we'd never be the same...
Even when he drove to Huntsville to ask me back, we were still tunneling the drain.
watching him smile got harder and walking away was so easy....
his vices got the best of him and I'm just too damn cute to change over to sleazy.

The last love to end all love for me
is a soft spoken intensive thinking hard working..PROUD hispanic man.
I'd never known comfort before this man held me in his sleep...
The world just turns and turns and turns...and with a deep exhale
and the smell of his skin I could just sleep.
You see he wakes before the sun and would kiss my face to fall back into my slumber...
and then that lazy sun would brighten my day...while he worked for us, his family.
This man decided almost a decade ago that I am just not worthy of his love....
I thought that I could show him...and love enough for for the both of us
He loves the night...and chases the neon lights with a cold one in his hand.
I've chased it right along with him for the better part of my twenties now...
I think that's just how the story goes...
Because as hard as its been to let him go I know I'll never sleep again.

Cardenas

has never been apart of my title
yeah I see my crazy cousin Dan at the bar every now and then...
and My Great Aunt Belia is the most important person in my life
but I still have never felt like Cardenas was describing me.

I went to school in the same grade as my cousin Nadia
and no one knew we were even related...
My most favorite uncle Reyes even lived with us when I was a teenager
but I still never felt the Cardenas connection...no matter how its surrounded me.

I remember being a little tiny girl...
celebrating Easter with cousins, aunts, uncles, all of my mother's family
all with the last name and strong Cardenas features...
feeling the most loved, no care in the world, just being a kid in the land where cascarones ran rampant.

I never knew the direct line who is my grandfather Agapito Cardenas...
I remember wishing I did. I remember wondering why I have all of this family
without him.

No one ever spoke of him, as a brother, father, no mention at all
I reached a point in my life where I accepted his absence the way my mother was forced to.
I realized that my pressing questions were too much a nuisance...

With the birth of my daughter I've grown more curious about my family.
Over the past few years I've asked more questions of my loved ones....
Just hoping to get a story...anything. I'm no longer satified with knowing nothing.

A few months ago we were told that Agapito may be coming back to Texas.
I couldn't have thought it better news...I think all of my family was happy to hear....
that maybe he'd move back and we'd be able to get to know who this mysterious
part of our bloodline really was.

And Agapito Cardenas passed away. I don't have any memories other than the two times we briefly met...or the times he called to speak to my mother when I was younger.
I could write a book about the mystery that surrounds this man for me.
Hearing of his passing, all I could do was think of all of my memories with all of my family....
that he was absent in...I am grateful and feel so privileged to be apart of
this Cardenas family, you have no idea how vivid this family's character really is....

So sitting down today, at a table with my Mother, two uncles, Julian and Val...
along with my Great Aunt, Belia I was nominated to write Agapito Cardenas' Obituary.
I never felt so apart of this family....being sure I include all of my cousins....
worrying about this wording and listening in on their plans for a memorial service.
I love getting to conversate with my uncles, all three of them...
I take any chance can get,
and today was no different...Thank You Agapito Cardenas

far far away to home...you just cant get any closer than family :)

update in pictures

Well, Evelyn and I have both gotten really into spa treatment at home. Her mainly for relaxation...she's into me doing her nails, So we've bee experimenting with nail art. I've been trying to take care of my skin...daily cleansing...trying to stop the evidence of aging on this stinkin face of mine. So anyway I thought this was so funny.

She's still the same lil weirdo...We've been starting to argue a little more. She's beginning to butt heads with me which is something that's very new to the both of us, but it's alright...we love eachother without end. This picture is of her Butterfly Net on her head and yes, this is a koozie she's wearing as a glove. I love how she plays...she's so funny.

She's stretching out...she's lookin tall. It's been a great summer so far. This day I had put makeup on her and her on me. You do NOT want to see what I looked like :)


The feet below belong to my NEW Nephew Dylan. I love his little feet...he's in my mother's arms so I want to frame this picture someday. He's such a handsome boy.

I wanted a picture of me and Evelyn. We haven't taken studio pictures since 2008. We need to. It's VERY rare that we get to have a picture of the both of us because since I'm a single mommy, I always have to take the pictures myself. lol

I want to start taking more pictures again. I always get discouraged though. I think I suck.

This is at freedome fiesta in Seguin July 3rd 2010. She wanted to ride this over and over. She said she loves being dizzy, SO DO I !!!!

This Picture is from the Seguin Parade. I love my hometown...she will too.

We had matching shirts and she thought that was the coolest!! I suspect that there won't be too many more years that this would be on this side of cool with her. Taking advantage I had to get a Picture :)

single and not looking....see below.

I sit at a bar with my funnest drunk friend and we talk about our week and some guy walks up puts his hand in my face and says his name is so-and-so. I really wish I could remember his name because belive me I'd include it. He looks at me up and down as I sit in my chair...creep. He says blah blah blah...and I am insulting him with everything I have. He stares at me with his eyes wide and mouth open. GROSS. He says shit like, "where have you been all my life?" I just want to kick him in the balls. He says shit like, "where you girls going tonite" and "man I wanna just go cruise" I say "we are going out of town and if you had a car you could go too" and "maybe if you even had a phone I could give you my number...oh wait...I don't even give out my number" and guess what...GUESS WHAT THE FUCK I REALIZED...This bastard never heard a word of it. I talked and he imagined what was being said. He stared at me as if I was sitting there naked. He was only engaged with his eyes and the tiny tiny brain he has underneath his waistline. Why the heck did he even come up to me...if not to listen. How could he even think for a minute that a girl like me would be like, "hey yeah we can just get it on right now"????? My funnest drunk friend was so worried that I was gonna slap this mutherfucker at any moment. She kept saying "bex...." ...."BEX"....."bex" Because she knew that the smart ass shit flying out of my mouth was just getting worse. I swear if he had anything I was saying he'd want to have slap me his damn self. I don't get it. I know what I look like....I'm not that fine.

I got on Plenty of fish....twice. Both for only a few days. The first time I tried to delete my profile within the first 24 hours. Honestly, this is just not for me. I'll tell you that I do know poeple that it works for...I'm not that girl. I think I'm too crazy for it. All ALL ALL the messages I get ALL say how sexy I am. OK, SEXY is a state of mind douche bag!!! SEXY like regular average jane like me sexy is NOT about looks. SEXY just on looks is reserved for fucking Megan Fox and Kim Kardashian fools...it aint gonna happen on Plenty of Fish. Sexy is how I clean my house, cook a decent meal, dress for work, take care of my daughter and handle my own bank account!!! Sexy is the fact that I DEPEND ON NO ONE...and live my life to the fullest. And just because you clicked on my profile and see a glimpse does not mean that you can message me "what up sexy" and I am actually going to respond to that. Of all the messages I got....I only responded to just a few. I only actually talked to 2 guys. The first wanted to talk on the phone and I actually did. He asked me on a date and I said yes. By the end of our conversation he had us goin out twice that week, and in two weeks he said I was to go to a wedding with him in Houston...??????.....uhhh...NO! The second guy, I really did think he was GREAT! We talked often and I really enjoyed getting to know him. We did go to dinner and he was NO weirdo, perv, freak...lol. He was like someone who could be a great friend....and he was cute. I just really liked him. After we went to dinner there wasnt really any plans for another date...our schedules were majorly conflicting....I guess. Anyway, we did plan to meet up somewhere for something, and he kept saying how excited he was for that....then he stood me up. I was PISSED. I've never been stood up before in my life...and it was bullshit. Oh geez....I was done. I didn't talk to him again. Actually, he tried to but I was very harsh to him which I later felt bad for, but I cant help it. I had explained to him how I pushed people away very easily, and he did say that I was right about how I explained how I was. Its just icky.

I'm such a punk when it comes to dating...I just can't do it. I really hate putting myself though any of this kind of junk. When I go out I don't look to find someone. I sit and chill....dumbass people approach me and I'm as rude as can be....they just see what they want to see. I'm not the kind of broad that's just gonna go home with you because I look the part. I can't describe myself in an about me section of a fucking profile. I am just unable to take random guys sending me messages left and right....its pointless.
All my family friends co workers and even people who dont really know me that well always say what a great girl I am. I mean I know I'm not ugly....I'm funny....spontaneous...and very interesting. I'm not a dumb, trashy, careless human...but I see all of those types of people in relationships....I don't get it.

I was single/celebate for allllmost a year in 08...I did it because I swear this guy was trying to force me to have sex with him. I literally had to fight him off of me. It was the stupidest scenario EVER....I never realized this but that that shit is real!! I looked into his eyes and he had the face of a mad man. Then, he went and said that I was crazy over him and stalking him...Yea after I ran out of his fucking house and changed my phone number...yeah...I'm so fucking psycho. Anyway, the point is that I pulled out a journal I had that year...I read back to that time in my life and I was SHOCKED!! I felt like I wasn't even reading my own words. The girl that wrote that....The girl I was at that time was so smart. DAMN, I had my shit together. I was so organized...so strong. I don't even feel half that strong right now. I'd like to go back to the person I was then, but I know its not possible. I know that she's gone...I killed her...lol. I went back to my ex and let him pour lighter fluid on her and I lit the match for him to destroy her. All I can do, All I can know is that its possible to be happy sailing this world alone. I didn't want to not date for a year...put a time frame on it...I know that this time, I have the "Idiot Man Repellant" on blast. I just wish I could have fun out alone without men and even women thinking I'm out to just hook up...its not true...I don't want you OR YOUR MAN!!! There are so few men that even interest me...its funny!!

I am on an outward spiral. I'm done with being down. I will write. I will write until I have nothing left in me...but look back on what I wrote and say, "Stupid Girl." lol. I am in such a weird place right now. I'll admit I just have no clue. I'm ok with it though. I've been riding the bike. I ride because I can't stand what I look like when I stand in front of the mirror. I ride because I have so many thoughts swirling, I can't sit rest or sleep without riding until I can't think anymore. In my sleep my dreams have become so violent that I've been waking up with shit that was near my bed thrown across the room...Drinking has just left me empty so...

No I'm not following the sheep who are all on a health/fitness craze....I can only control how I look and how I present myself right now. I write, I ride, because I cant control my insides. I've lost 30 pounds since March, and I've always been active....but now I feel physically unstoppable! I don't think I've ever been more proud of myself for changing my body....its easier than taking a needle or blade to draw blood...which don't get me wrong...I did rip out a birthmark I cant stand a few weeks ago...lol!! Damn thing hasn't come back....Score. I will soon have a grip on my life...inside and out...I have started to set small goals for myself. I plan on being able to ride Over 26 miles....I plan on being able to keep up with the big dogs....run the equivalent of a marathon without actually running a marathon...because...well...every jerkoff is doing it now a days. lol. I plan to weight train. thumbsdown till we get there!! lol. I plan on writing something I can be proud of....I plan on transforming my writing from a narration of my personal pain to something someone else who is NOT pathetic can friggin relate to. I hopefully, plan on building enough confidence to make friends. real friends. So I can someday quit feeling so alone. We'll see....I've never been a planner. Just a spontaneously combustable girl...trying to fit the mold.

its so complicated.

When the stress of my situation with him has settled, I find him in my thoughts. I feel so strapped down and suffocated when we are committed, but when he's gone....

its a free fall of fake drunken laughter
miniskirts and cowboy boots, high heels and "gonna getcha" perfume
mustering up the energy to tell my story repeatedly to guys who R E A L L Y dont care
its another notch on the lipstick print...
its avoiding the possibility of ending up in the same room, because I know I'm gonna see...
....what I don't wanna see.

I'm incapable of NOT being out running the night. It's genetic you see...I love the scene. I create my own scene if needed. I don't fit in anywhere, so it always makes for such madness. I'll tell you a secret though. I met, had a child, and lost the only man who fits well into my life. I know it's no secret though, how much I love this man. I don't understand why he cheats, and drains, and tears at my soul, I always say it's cause he's way down deep mexicano...and well, you know how they are (lol). I don't dwell on what I did/didn't do because I already look in the mirror and think "aye mija, you let him make you look so old."

I know this post may not make any sense. I apologize, it seems as though my writing has been very SCATTERED lately. I have had alot of difficulty with this breakup. I have never before been in therapy, and I NEVER thought I ever would be. I've self healed mentally though some tough shit, for fear of looking weak to my loved ones...this time...I didn't have it in me.

So after weeks of that...weeks of organizing my heart. I came clean. I do not want to ever put myself back on that rollercoaster, loving someone who can't love me. Once I've made this decision, I swear I feel like an addict just being released from rehab.....

I don't know why but I miss him tremendously. There has never been another person in my life that was ever hard for me to move on from. I don't know what it is, I suspect he's the only person I've ever been able to run wild with. So as I gloss up my red lips, tease up my wild curls, roll up my shorts just so, and push up my goods for a night out I have the mind set that I will be alone in this world with no true feelings for anyone but that one man....but that doesn't mean I won't be out making the most of my sadness.

Told you it was complicated. lol.

Note to Self...Note to Daughter

My loyalty runs deep
I need for you to understand the importance of loyalty
to your family and friends.
In my life I have discovered what is important to me,
I need for you to find that...and stay loyal to it always.
There will be people in your life what claim loyalty to
your feelings, but be prepared for them to ALWAYS let you down.
That kind of hurt that comes from others is all within you.
Do not allow anyone to hurt you in that way....always brace yourself.
I am able to inspire other people's confidence
I need for you to grow up with the mentality that your acceptance
is all that matters. DO NOT ever allow others to outline who you are
or will become. Appreciate when others feel confident around you....this
will take you far. DON'T ever look to surround yourself with weak people.
I have never lived my life like this. Weak people can only make you weak.
I am known for my sharp tongue
I don't think that you should have a potty mouth, but I am able to defend
myself with words. I'd like you to act and speak with dignity and like a lady.
I need for you to be able to say how you feel and express who you are with words.
I can find fault in almost anything
This has served me well. Please hone this trait you get from me, to not just
push others away but to create your own standards and expectations of others.
I have also morphed this particular trait into building walls sky high....making it
hard for me to make new friends and have healthy romantic relationships. Find Yourself
and then find fault in others and things. I worked backwards :)
Emotionally I can be a cold cold person
I'm not exactly the most loving person you'll meet. I don't tolerate emotion in others
I tend to find warm compassionate people annoying. I see you different
than I am in that way. I would like you to be your own person and feel...be emotional
and helpful to others if that's who you become, but I don't want you to be naive. I need
for you to be aware of others taking advantage of you emotionally, and able to
reach inside and protect yourself when needed
and around others I can seem distant
I've never reached beyond myself for other people attention. I never want
you to think that in a social setting you have to have attention to feel whole. That's not
who you are, I can already tell, but I need for you to be around others....and know
who you are. If you seem distant, it shouldn't be because you feel out of place. You
have a place...you are the place. Feel distant around others because you don't need
their attention or acceptance.
I will be the first to admit that I am the
most selfish person I know
I can only hope when you are 18 and looking for yourself you are the most selfish person you know. Selfish means you know who you are and what can make you happy. Some people never find that. Trust yourself, don't live to regret. I 've always lived with the firm belief that I only have myself to depend on....My only hope is that when we talk about this in 12 years it will be more of a test review than never before seen lesson plan.

This Frozen Desert...

is time standing still on stage in front of my enemies
under a spotlight not being able to think
afraid to feel
without silence
talking talking talking it out
is no direction or need
for truth because
all frozen this desert heat
has no meaning or purpose
is me not being able to decide
if I'm cold or hot
of stone or fire in water
blinded by the steam I can't
decide or move forward
is me being able to see the beauty
in this pain and
enjoy my sudden awareness
in such sorrow and
facing this anger I am alive
more than I've ever been
I'm alive
is you watching time standing still
while I am on this stage in front of
you my enemy
under a spotlight looking so afraid
and empty
is you hearing me talking talking talking it out
because this frozen desert has weathered the meaning
in my soul and all I can offer is
babble about what I think happend
and what I think is true but
the hardening of my heart is the only truth
I can ever know
is you being able to see the beauty in my pain
and knowing that you wish you hadn't
set me on that stage in front of so much ill will
under that spotlight of shame and being frozen
once again unable to move or care or
make any difference once again I get no explaination
is me being an outer shell and host to this frozen desert
where I am constantly on display as a representative of
your triumph and shame.

Oh the outRAGE!!

I see this mob of people worried and outraged:

about how much time my daughter sees her father
about how much time I spend having fun
about who I'm talking to or friends with
about what I wrote in my status box on facebook
about why I changed my phone number
about where I go in the evenings
about who I'm meeting for lunch
about what I'm reading or not
about why I said something so random
about who my random something is REALLY about
about what I'm posting on my blog!!!
about why I dress the way I do
about where I work and how much money I bring home
about how much child support I recieve and what I spend it on

I see this mob of people and I think they should be worried and OUTRAGED:

about their own time with children, husbands, wives, girlfriends
about their own happiness...
(and the following may sound hard to fathom but)
about the oil spill and how the damage done to the gulf right now can have lasting effects that span over 20 years!!
about how the economic crisis in Greece effects us...its unlikely but our dollar could very well lose value if all other country's money does too. That small of country should't go bankrupt!!
only 1/3rd of their citizens claim income....tax evasion runs rampant.
about how in this country men and women and get married and totaly fuck up the sanctity of marriage but people who would like to marry the same sex can't.
about how Arizona can pass a bill that promotes racial profiling in AMERICA....and the year is 2010!!
about how at the same time the KKK has a new breed who don't pay no mind anymore to burning crosses or lynching anyone....they've graduated to pipe bombs and they even fight with the damn Nazis...I still can't wrap my mind around that!
about how Kathy Lee Gifford is on TV every morning with HODA totally Drunk....and billigerent.
about how so many people collect HUNDREDS of dollars in food stamps EVERY MONTH and sell them for drugs.
about how polygamy is real...and arranged marriages of 14 year olds to 50 year old men is not something that is about religion!!! Its born raised and bred...its cult like and should not be in this country.
about how during the early voting in Seguin this past election we had only 600 votes!! That is soooo funny to me....people would rather sit on facebook all day than cast their vote to affect our community.
about how paparrazzi can make hundreds of thousands of dollars on a picture of a famous person leaving a coffee shop but there are kids across the country who's only meal is free lunch at school. WE ARE IN A RECESSION PEOPLE!!
about how the killer whale that killed that lady is trying to tell all you bozo's that animals of that sort are NOT meant for captivity.
About how we are bailing out big banks...and guess what THEY ARE STILL TAKING YOUR HOMES!!! REVOLT STUPID!

so you see...
there's so much to be OUTRAGED ABOUT educate yourself stay informed about the world around you...

that should not include what the heck I'm doing in my life...
There's so much more to be informed about

Por Favor!!

My Mother used to look for Dad in the middle of the night
on the weekends...
on school nights...
before he had to go to work.

My Mother always found him in the middle of the bar
surrounded by barflies...
unable to speak with no slurs
sweating beer from his pours.

My Mother thought it her duty to get him home
driving drunk...
cursing and abusive...
arguing with us for taking up space.

My Mother let him infultrate our home
with let downs, put downs, and throw downs....
to keep her family together...
and honestly I feel so shattered.

My Mother subliminally instilled in me
what type of Mother I'd be...
the opposite of what she showed me...
I thank her for that.

My Mother subliminally instilled in me
a father figure that I'd be destined ...
to repeat for my own daughter...
I am so disappointed at that.

My Mother sadly is still hurt by my father
she doesn't search anymore...
and the pain doesn't run so deep...
I can see an end to my hurt one day.

My Mother raised me through this hell
I went through that marriage...
I can assure myself that rising above that...
I can rise above it all.

Kindergarten field trip...

I went to this same zoo on mine a million years ago.

I must say you are waaaay cooler than I was though :)

I want you to wear that Dinosaur mask....

as long as you possibly can.

And never forget the importance of being your unique self.

Your smile is perfection...


Please don't let the joy of field trip day leave your heart.

Keep it always for there won't always be field trips.


I admire your way with animals...

You didn't get that from me.

Please know that I am amazed by your way...truly caring.

Derby Love

I feel most comfortable with eight pink wheels under my feet.
I skate til my muscles feel as though they are going to burst.
I skate because there's nothing in this world that gets my heart pumping like...
the heebie jeebies of a scary movie mixed...
with nerves of a first kiss...
and
the rage I'd get to defend my womanhood.
All rolled up into a two minute jam.
That's why I skate.

I don't think you know yet why I skate.
I skate because this game requires me to think offensive and defensivly while being
hit from all sides, while skating my lil heart out, communicating with my team, while...
a ref is giving me a NO-NO....
and the opponent blocker is taunting...
but all I care about is my star...My Jammer.

She's coming around the corner and I will find a hole
In this group of girls, vicious to knock eachother out...
to get her through...to score some points...
to not go home...this bruised
for nothing but to say we are the best!!

I skate because I never did fit in.
I skate because I'd be in jail otherwise...
because of this anger...i hold so dearly in my heart...
waiting for practice...to get knocked on my ass
by a bigger girl...who is such a dear friend.
I skate because I couldn't find a balance in my life
without Roller Derby.

Packing it up.

My red suitcase was given to me by your dear friend. I could't believe I'd gotten the chance to get my hands on these. I wish I knew then what this case would be used for. I may have passed on the gift had I known.

Today, I woke up all alone, I was so grateful to the tequila last night for a long needed laugh and finally a good nights sleep. I streeeetched my sore body and rubbed my sleepy eyes, turned on the tube to my usual CNN. I don't know why I watch it, I know you think it's so boring. I am usually able to call and check on you guys, make sure ya'll have had breakfast...but not today. You have my queen, my soul, our daughter and I feel like you have my world with you. It would never be hard to let you go, if I didn't have this pesky court order outlining times and dates and orders, orders orders! I have no way anymore to check on your time, I have no communication with you anymore. Instead I decide to get up today, and pack it up.

I take out my red suitcase, I remember your smile at how my face lit up when I was sure they were mine. You know how much I love this set. I place it in the middle of my floor. I put in there the black book. The book that is full of raw anger, growth, sorrow, and thoughts of me moving on. This book was filled the year we were split up. I place it in the case, because this next year will be more intense than that. This anger more destructive, this growth not easy to find, sorrow more vengeful, and these thoughts more complex and contradicting than ever before. This book represents how I don't know how I'm going to end up back in a peaceful place, but its possible....I can't see it now, but one day. The case is not the kind of case that holds one tiny book. I place pictures, spirals, drawings, tickets, tidbits of our memories. I place cd's of the past. The cd's were the hardest, I must admit. The case is filled with gifts from you. The jewelry, the small things. I still don't feel like I've properly used the case to pack it up.

I place in there my loyalty to you. Its this goey glue type stuff that holds any relationship/frienship together...you never had the right consistancy. The last bit of my heart that was soft, warm, and squishy went in. I remember saying, "It doesn't matter who that person becomes, if you love somone, you love them through it all-unconditionally," you never understood that. All the hope I had living in this town, to raise my daughter where I grew up got packed in to one side. I have to move up and over with my life, so the possibility of needing to move us up and outta here so that I can be a better Mom to my daughter is takin over me more and more every day. I stuff in the case your Becca, the one that thinks you are the only man I could ever love. She's stubborn as you know, and I've had to deal with her shenanigans for years, it was a battle but she's gone. I close the case, it's all packed up.

I sit next to the case and that's where I am right now. I don't know where I should take this case, where'd we go or how we'd get there. I'm happy to have had the energy and free time to pack it up. I think the first hurdle has passed. I am alone, closed off to you and those who surround you who wish the worst on me....and all the evidence that I let you hurt me again is packed up. I sit here next to this case, just glad to have it packed up. I don't know where we'll travel me and this case...but I know I won't unpack it...

i break the seal of this very large bottle of resentment...
it's child proof so give me a moment.

i use my teeth to pop the top....
it hurt my teeth and i think of you.

i use my middle finger to fish out the cotton...
it only seems like the right finger given the circumstance.

i rest the bottle in my lap...
its open and there shouldn't be any going back.

i look in at the poison....
it's resentment and i always knew i'd be staring down in this moment.

i take the pills one by one with my eyes closed....
it's my fault i am in this moment and i think of you.

i sit and wait...
it should be any moment now, you would become sick.

i feel my body shutting down...
it doesn't seem to bother you.

i think any moment now you should feel my pain...
it isn't going to happen though.

i realize now a fun fact about my bottle of resentment
it's my poison not yours.

She's the best thing in my life.
I absolutly cannot allow her to see or feel me beat or broken down.
I don't think I will ever find happiness, I'll just strive to maintain hers.

Control Alt Delete

Start up that task manager:
Mother, daughter, sister, aunt, crazy friend, teamate, coworker

all not responding at this point...

all frozen...

all because of what was corrupted:
lover, friend, girlfriend, babymamma, cover up to an affair???

that file was deleted
that file took with it pieces from all that was running so well...

So let's restart:
andale!

before we log in we recharge:
organize our files, scan for VIRUS, and refresh

come along with me on my journey to get all these files up and running
con corazon.